Flustrated with Church…

I think of church as a place where I belong to others and they belong to me and that we spend time together caring for, listening to, and supporting one another. Worship, eating together, praying for one another, studying together…working through stuff together and having the opportunity to sit and quietly listen to and care for our elders…all this I crave. But instead I sit isolated, are nodded to in passing as we all leave, and told I need to contribute more money for a new building so we can invite people to be more like us…and by the way, you need to come here more often.

This has been bitterness in the past, but it isn’t any longer, it’s just boredom and loneliness. My wife and I both feel it, I started hopefully visiting churches this summer, after four or five weeks she sat me down and said “what’s the point?” I was stumped. We’ve hoped to build a small group, but the commitment level is quite low, it reminds us of singles ministry.

One of my co-workers told me that Fergus Falls Minnesota (where I work) is in the Guinness Book of World Records for the “most churches per capita”. It wouldn’t suprise me. I’ve only lived here for just under four years but I tend to see two groups…the first parks at a church for their whole life, maybe even at a church named after their family they are the “of course I’m a Christian, my parents were Christians, Lutherans actually, I’ve been confirmed…what’s that got to do with anything?” group. The second is passionate about Jesus and moves about from church to church seeking the newest programmatic thrill.

In Western Colorado people used to conjoin “Flustered” and “Frustrated” into a new word called “Flustrated”.

I’m flustrated with church…

The Good, the Bad and…Thanksgiving…

I’ve been thinking lately about how easy it is to focus on what you don’t have and what you want rather than what you do have. Losses are what hurt, and most often pain trumps all other feelings; it demands our attention, it’s intrusive and loud, and never really seems to go away.

I’m often tempted to set up a balance scale in my mind, I place bad things on one side and good things on the other and deign to feel thankful when things on the good side outweigh the things on the bad. If the scale is tipping toward the good, I give myself permission to be happy.

Whenever things have tipped toward the bad I try to convince myself that if I just make it through the “bad now” than somehow the future simply must get better.

This really hasn’t worked.

I’ve always thought that the verse (I think it’s in James) in which the writer says “count it all joy brothers, when you face trial and temptation” to be a real annoyance; sort of a Polyanna-ish approach to following Jesus. It’s not really.

Some recent events at work have illustrated to me just how true it is that Joy is a choice, a lifestyle, not a feeling. My own labeling of events, object and people as “good” or “bad” is really some sort of relative construct, a paradigm I’ve created that I overlay on life, a lens that I’ve invented to view life through.

I can look back at my life and see things that I thought were bad, turn out to be very good; and I can see things that I thought were good turn out to be very bad. Basically forty-four years of experience tells me that I’m a lousy judge of what’s good and what’s bad.

Count it all Joy brothers…

In My Mind, There’s a Lot More to It….

I hang out a bit at a Tavern and one of our Fellows posted some thoughts about Days of Elijah, a song I really like. Sometimes liking something is a popular decision, sometimes liking something is an unpopular decision. This song has come up in discussion a couple of times in conversation at the Tavern, sometimes directly and in my opinion sometimes as a “poster child” for a lot of valid issues with contemporary worship. I do agree with my “tavernmate” that we need to be skeptical and think about what we are singing and believing.

Most of the time I think contemporary worship is really heading toward abject suckiness, but there are also shining examples of talented believers sharing their art and their faith through music. Life is kind of like that, it has sucky parts and good parts, the trick is to use the former to help you grow and to simply enjoy the latter.

I first heard Days of Elijah on a Paul Wilber worship album. Having Hebraic heritage I’ve got a soft side for Jewish thinking and theology. We enjoy Passover in our home each year and though we don’t formally celebrate the other Biblical appointments (feasts/festivals) I do have them programmed to pop up on my calendar. My personal understanding of eschatology hovers around my understanding of those appointments. Therefore…

When I hear these are the days of Elijah I think about the extra setting we place at the table for Elijah at Passover, and how Yeshua (Jesus) called his cousin Yochannon (John the Baptiser) Elijah. I’m also reminded that if you figure out the timing of John’s birth based upon his priestly father’s temple service you’d see that John was born around Passover. This also affects the timing of Yeshua’s birth, but with Christmas right around the corner I don’t want to make an issue of it. Some people make a big deal of it, but in my book if you want to have me over for dinner and dessert to celebrate my birthday, you’re welcome to do it pretty much anytime.

When I hear And these are the days of Your servant David, rebuilding a temple of praise I think about how Yeshua, Lion of the Tribe of Judah, sits on David’s throne and how he pointed to the physical temple that stood in His day and said He was going to tear it down. He then said He was going to rebuild it in three days (all the people who heard Him say that knew how long it took to build the one he was pointing to, they’d been paying the taxes). But He did it, all who believe in Him are the “temples of praise” He rebuilt.

When I hear And these are the days of Your servant Moses, righteousness being restored I think about how Peter saw Yeshua, Elijah and Moses standing together and that he wanted to build them a shelter so that they’d all stay and make their dwelling (tabernacle) here on earth. I think about how sad Peter must have felt when he realized that it simply wasn’t the right time. I also think about how the “Lawgiver” the “Prophet” and the “Word” were all standing there having sort of a “confab”, a meeting of sorts. We “modern-day Christians” tend to think of the Jews as guys that had that “law stuff” down perfect, that if anybody could be justified by the “law” then they could. I tend to think of them as a people who had a multi-generational adventure in missing the point; it took the Living Word to point out where we had failed, where the people had misunderstood Moses’ teachings.

I really like the picture and sounds that come to my mind when I think of a Shofar (trumpet) blowing and “Salvation” coming out of Zion’s (Jerusalem’s) hills. In my mind it’s linked to the first day of the seventh month of the Biblical calendar, the “day of blowing”.

I frankly doubt that many people think these things when they hear this song, I bet for most they like the “catchy tune” or the “emotion”. That’s too bad because in my mind there’s a lot more to it.

It seems to me that we are pretty disconnected from the roots of our faith…

A Matter of Dependency….

One of the delusions I’ve carried about with me fell a few evenings ago.

The delusion was that my developmentally delayed clients needed me more than I needed them.

Recently I made a career change. I had been on hiatus from human services for nearly six years. In the interm I had managed a body shop, worked in human resources and management for a small manufacturing company, worked as a computer geek for a really ridiculous quasi-telemarketing company and located telephone cables for the construction industry. All but one were worthy efforts, but I was in the wrong place.

Recently, through supportive career (and other) counseling I was able to interview for and ultimately obtain a position with a corporate foster-care provider of residential and home-based services to the developmentally delayed population of Otter Tail County and Minnesota. Now I’m in management, and though I’m still very focused on the care of our clients, I’m not in a position in which I have minute-by-minute contact with those we serve.

I think it was Thursday evening, my wife Laurie and I were sitting on opposite ends of the couch talking about our day and I had just finished relating how because of some work being done on the residence that my office is in that three of our clients were brought in to the residence through the office instead of the front door.

I was working at my desk, but when the director parked one client in our shared office area I got up and said hi, rubbing the client on the shoulder to let her know someone was there. She reacted to me by slowing her movements and leaning toward my touch. At that moment the director brought another client in the door and headed back outside for the next. I assessed that our office would be full soon so I took the second client out into the living room where the Direct Care Staff were awaiting their arrival…they were surprised because we came from the “wrong direction”.

I parked the client I had moved and went back for the next, but by that time all were brought in. I was disappointed.

I was relating this event to my wife, sharing how nice it is to take care of a “dependent soul”, and reflecting upon how nice it is to be back doing what I was created to do. I’ve been constantly amazed since I’ve started this job how much I missed caring for people and how wonderful it is to be doing so.

What struck me though, and caused my wife to ask why I was crying, was the realization that I was as dependent upon my clients as they are on me. In order to fulfill my purpose; to care for vulnerable and dependent people…I need vulnerable and dependent people.

I’d never thought of it that way.

A Theme of Avoidance…

Lately in my interactions with others I’m noticing what I’m calling a “theme of avoidance”. People generally avoid the unpleasant things in their lives, it’s a normal human tendency. The fact is that there are things in life that are unpleasant to deal with, but the fact remains that such things need to be dealt with.

I’m afraid that I could be coming off like I’m above such behavior, I’m not. I’m actually a practitioner of such behavior, I think that this is why I’m noticing it so plainly in others.

This is my pattern:

I put unpleasant tasks off to the last possible moment.I figure out ways to “work around” unpleasant tasks.

In order to avoid thinking about unpleasant tasks I adopt a form of denial, I choose not to “think” about the task, I tell myself that I deserve a few days of “non-thinking”.

I wake up early in the morning strategizing ways to avoid unpleasant tasks.

Finally (and this is the absolutely last resort) I perform the unpleasant task (usually discovering that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was).

In a recent training a psychologist shared with us a technique that we could use with developmentally delayed clients that would help them perform the “unfavored” tasks in their lives such as bathing and tooth brushing. The idea was that we’d make up a schedule board with pictures representing each task, the client could see all of “favored” as well as “unfavored” tasks displayed at once in a row from top to bottom. They could then be trained that all of the tasks needed to be completed in order and they could also see that though there were “unfavored” tasks on the board that once they completed such tasks “favored” tasks/activities awaited them.

I think I need to try this one out myself.

End of Season

Today we cleaned up our canoeing stuff and over the next couple of days Laurie will get it all stored. There’s a bit of ice on the smaller lakes and sloughs, we’re thinking we may get out for a short paddle next weekend if the days look nice…but we aren’t sure.

This may be it.

I Just Met (the third) Love of My Life…

Yesterday I was finally able to get my hands on a Nikon D70. What’s interesting is that this event occured shortly after finally being able to get my hands on a Canon Digital Rebel. The photographs you see on the sidebar (–>) are all taken with my first digital camera, a Canon A70. I’ve had an ambivolent relationship with my first Canon, mostly due to two issues. An E18 lens retract error that Canon repaired under warranty, and frustration regarding the sharpness of images taken anywhere further than five feet from the focal plane of the camera. It’s done an admirable job of macro work, but I’ve been less than satisfied with the optical sharpness displayed when I back away from the subject.

I messed around with the Digital Rebel for about 20 minutes at the Fargo Sears store. It seemed big and clunky and maybe it was because I was interrupted every three or four minutes by a salesperson trying to tell me something about which it was obvious they knew nothing, but I didn’t figure it out very quickly. It had some similarities to my A70, mostly in it’s iconography, but it wasn’t intuitive to me.

Laurie and I sat and people watched over an Orange Julius after we left Sears. One of the truly great things about the Fargo Mall is that they’ve turned the common area into a big living room complete with WiFi, television sets, books to read and overstuffed furniture. Being a college town, Fargo is a place where “blue” meets “red”, and the people are interesting to watch.

We washed our hands and got lotioned up at Bath & Body Works and I went to Ritz Camera to see if they had a Nikon D70 while Laurie stopped to look at clothes at Christopher & Banks.

That’s when I spotted her…sitting on the top shelf, black as night as a good camera should be…the salesperson understood my desire to acquaint myself and left me alone with my new friend. A perfect fit to my hands, intuitive controls, manual focus ring, clean and simple viewfinder and the same familiar bayonet lens mount that my hands have manipulated since age ten.

Love, True Love.

After a time of getting to know one another I went and got Laurie to bring her back for introductions. She didn’t really understand, but Laurie was empathetic.

I’m hoping I can save enough by the time spring flowers start to appear.

And I’m hoping the price comes down.

Life (and Wife) Intrudes on Blogging….

I’m spending today and Sunday with my wife (I’m very thankful I have her in my life).

This is about as close as I should be allowed to get to poetry.

Ringing True…

I’m going to focus again on Brennan Manning’s article Fools for Jesus excerpted from his book Signature of Jesus that I read on Christian Counterculture. Here’s a piece…

The spirit of domination through force is irreconcilable with obedience to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Christians have only one master. Following him is incompatible with any state of servitude to any other. Jesus couched his teachings in language that any twelve-year-old can understand. He said unequivocally, blessed are those who make peace, not war. The issue of the production, possession, and use of nuclear weapons must be discussed in terms of our Christian identity, not in terms of national security, the Iraqi threat, or safeguarding our standard of living. The arms race is not a political football but a deeply spiritual matter. Mass murder in the name of democracy or patriotism is the idolatry of the nation-state. The prophetic task and pastoral obligation of the church of Jesus Christ—a people called together, set apart, and consecrated to the worship of God is to proclaim God’s peace and love in the actual situation of our broken and tormented world.

In context Brennan is focused on the issue of nationalism as it pertains to current-day Christians. He goes on to say…

Calling peacemakers “bleeding hearts,” “do-gooders,” and “good Samaritans” with a tone of condescension indicates an unacknowledged alienation from the gospel. When will Christians be honest enough to admit that they don’t really believe in Jesus Christ? That the Nazarene carpenter must be dismissed as a romantic visionary, a starry-eyed reformer hopelessly out of touch with the “real” world of domination, aggression, and power? Only when they realize that they have embraced their culture as their false god!

This perspective and these words fly in the face of who I am and what I have been taught to believe as an “American Christian”. I’ve long been uncomfortable with our nation’s behavior, yet I love my country and it’s people. I’ve long been uncomfortable with theological machinations that say “the commandment actually says ‘do not murder’ and when you are a soldier killing enemies for the state it’s not murder.” Such a perspective seems to me to be a method whereby one uses man’s law to alter God’s law.

Incongruency Feedback…

One of the counseling techniques I learned in counseling school was “Incongruency Feedback”. When someone says something that doesn’t make sense you simply repeat back to them what they said, possible rephrasing it a bit, with the hope that they see that their process is not working.

This morning I heard Yasser Arafat referred to on a CBS special report as “terrorist, peace prize winner and thorn in the side of Israel.”

At first I thought it sounded like CBS needed a bit of Incongruency Feedback, but then I realized that he truthfully was all of those things. They were simply reporting the truth.

Yesterday I posted some thoughts that in a round-about way drilled down to my growing discomfort with “killing”. My intent was (and is) to explore my discomfort with the fact that modern evangelical Christians are quite comfortable with war. I struggle with this issue a lot. On the one hand I am the son and step-son of veterans, and of all days today is Veterans Day. On the other hand I think about the comments my copiously decorated step-father has made regarding the brutality and seeming futility of war and killing.

As an American I’m thankful for the men and women in our country’s history that have fought against our enemies. But I’m starting to wonder about our enemies. I see incongruencies in our history and outlook as great as “terrorist and peace prize winner” being used to describe the same man.

During our own war for independence we fought against own countrymen to separate ourselves from their political and economic demands. We killed and persecuted and in the end we became friends, brothers really. Canada is different than we are, but in the broad strokes of human history and political systems we are more similar than we are different. What did we gain? We are economically greater than they, we have a greater population but less land and resources. They honored their native people better than we did. Slavery was outlawed peacefully in Britain and all it’s colonies long before we ended it in violence. What will be the differences one hundred years from now?

When I look back at the broad patina of history I see that Christians have given their voice, sweat and blood to many different political systems. I’m starting to find that dedicated Christians serving on both sides of a battle forms as large an incongruency for me as Yassar Arafat being called “terrorist and peace prize winner.”