Difficulty Resolved? Time Will Tell.

Some months ago I had some difficulty with a relationship that I was hoping would prove to be close and long term. There was some disagreement over minor theological issues and from my point of view this disagreement was not very important, but it seemed to be a large issue from his point of view. We continued to see each other by happenstance, but neither of us made any special effort to get together. I missed this person, but he seemed to be uncomfortable with me. We had spoken about it and agreed to maintain a relationship, but it was not the same as it was before and I was saddened by that fact.

Last evening we again met by happenstance and somehow something had changed. I don’t know what and why, I just sensed that the situation was better between us. I wish I knew why, I’d be more comfortable if we’d have had a conversation that cleared up feelings or thinking, maybe that can still happen though I sense that I’d need to initiate it.

Another reminder that everything is fallen…

Confidentiality…

I’ve thoughts and experiences that I’d love to post, but I’m struggling with the fact that much of what I hear throughout the day is confidential. I hear wonderfully hilarious words and observe loving and caring interactions between those who desire to serve and love and those who are the “least of these”.

This is an issue that I plan to work out with communication and supervision, but right now I need to proceed on egg shells.

Missional Community…

For the past year or so I’ve been considering how to build a Missional Community. Yesterday at work I realized that I just started working in one.

It Was Good…

Yesterday went well.

The first days of a new job are sort of a mixed bag. On the one hand you really have no responsibility other than to learn. On the other hand you are fairly useless and unable to contribute.

I enjoy meeting new people, especially people committed to caring for other people. I enjoy listening to their stories, learning about what motivates them, thinking about how best to serve their needs as a manager. I liked a lot of what I heard and saw, the good humor, the positive attitudes, the care and concern.

I’m really looking forward to today.

Comparison…

During the protracted interview process for this job (that I really wanted) my tendency was to sort of “pace” myself emotionally. Until that last meeting/phone call you really don’t know the outcome, yet the whole time you know what you want the outcome to be. Then comes the day you find out, in my case the answer was positive (yipee!), and a certain kind of elation takes over. A job offer is affirming, it makes you feel competent and wanted, it confirms that you have something of value to offer the world. I can understand why women wanted to enter the “job force”, working is a way to compare yourself to others, to see how you measure up the people around you.

Comparison is essentially sinful. Yet we cannot escape it because we live in a fallen world and to function in a fallen world requires a certain amount of fallen-ness.

Why is comparison sinful? Because its root is pride. It’s impossible to refrain from gladness when you see that you’re able to perform and accomplish something better than someone else. Our entire culture is competitive and comparative; we always want to know who’s the best, who’s in the top-ten, who makes the most money, who’s the most beautiful. What’s the best beer, car, motorcycle, camera, computer, novel, art, house, state, answering machine, trash can and stereo? We are consumers and consumers have a right to the best.

A good friend taught me a lesson about organizations once, he believed that there are three models of management/organizational development.

1. The Conflict Model.

This is the “Darwinian” model, organisms rise to the top by being better suited to the environment. Put three employees on the same project and see which one shines, pit sales staff against each other, reward and publish results. The best will rise to the top.

2. The Appearance Model.

This is the model of politics, perceptions are “spinned”, when something bad happens “re-frame” it and call it good. Whatever does happen don’t admit to it until someone else sees it. If people believe that something is good it must be good. It’s all about perception and visibility.

3. The Structural/Foundational Model.

This is the model in which people and projects are analyzed for their talents, requirements, gifting and needs. People and projects are “married” based on compatibility and desire. People and projects are given a voice, they are heard and supplied with the means for success.

Summary:

The first two models are the basis of our culture, it is based on comparison, competition and appearance. Conflict is the outcome, every four years we see this played out in the competition to become president. I’m very uncomfortable with this process, I believe that there’s a better way.

The point my friend made is that the structural/foundational model is the model closest to God’s heart. As I watched the organizations I’ve been involved with in the years since this friend taught me this approach I’ve seen a lot of the first and second, and little of the third. When I interviewed for this position I thought about these models, and listened to the words used to describe the position, the organization and the services the organization provides. As I go forward in contributing to this organization, I will continue to look at how this organization’s management as well as my own management skill intertwine to create an environment.

Which will it be?

Only time will tell.

Christian Counterculture…

Edit: May 25, ‘06: The Christian Counterculture website and it’s author Rob Schläpfer were, in my opinion, terrible abused and persecuted by various believers who consider themselves ‘charged by God’ to police, try and judge other believers. In other words, modern day Sadducees. These links are therefore broken. Please pray for Rob.
I wanted to link some articles from Christian Counterculture, please read.

Humility

Loving Those We Oppose

Real Love for Real Life

Wecoming but not Affirming

Rob, the gentleman responsible for Christian Counterculture was interviewed recently by one of my Boar’s Head Tavern fellows, this is the interview. Much of what he said and has come to believe resonates with me and my own experience, this is his manifesto. I recommend following this publication as it continues to grow.

Let it Snow…

Today we spend the afternoon in the woods with friends helping to stock wood for the winter. We’ve a few trees to clear that have fallen across trails, and now that the mosquitos have been killed off by cold weather we are able to work in the woods without being swarmed. I love this time of year. There is a 30% chance of snow this afternoon, but this time of year we’re not talking about accumulation, not for another few weeks.

Laurie’s going to have some soup on for the evening, corn chowder and a pot of chili. I’m looking forward to it.

iTunes, the Future, and Unspeakable Joy…

I’ve grown to love iTunes, first because it takes me back into the world of Apple, from which I unwillingly and painfully departed in the early nineties. Second because I’m able to make a note when I’m out in the world about a song I hear or think about and for less than the price of a diet pop I can add that song to my collection.

I’ve been listening to country music lately, which is a predilection I acquired only when I “went rural” about this time of year back in 1990. Somehow or another in the recent course of my life and work or wherever I’ve heard two country songs, My Front Porch Lookin’ In by Lonestar and Little Bitty by Alan Jackson, that I’ve fallen in love with. They speak to this moment of time in my life, a moment when I’m thinking about family, raising children and investing in the future.

Through ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) we are able to anticipate having children, we now have at least as good a chance at conceiving as a “normal” couple. We need help, but it’s far from hopeless, it’s highly likely that we can expect a normal pregnancy in the next year and a subsequent pregnancy when we so choose after the first.

There has never been a time in our lives that we did not want to have a family, to raise children. When we first encountered our infertility we were crushed, but now we have hope. We are filled with unspeakable joy.

My Front Porch Lookin’ In
There’s a carrot top that can barely walk with a sippy cup of milk,
A little blue-eyed blond with her shoes on wrong ’cause she likes to dress herself,
And the most beautiful girl, holdin’ both of them,
And the view I love the most is my front porch lookin’ in
–LonestarLittle Bitty
A good ol’ boy and a pretty little girl,
Start all over in a little bitty whirl,
A little bitty plan and a little bitty dream,
It’s all part of a little bitty scheme.
–Alan Jackson

Now…

When I first started blogging I made a commitment to myself to add something every day, a commitment that has fallen by the wayside when faced with the stark reality of life. It’s tempting when I log into Blogger to begin my post with the reasons as to why I’ve not written, but I could see that over time a blog could degrade to a long list of reasons as to why the writer has been inattentive. Boring.

I could also see how there could be an inverse relationship between the interesting events in a person’s life and their ability to write about those events. When life is eventful, there is not time to write, when life is uneventful, there is nothing to write about. If life (and blogs) were simply “event loggers” then I guess there would be some truth to that, but in reality when life slows down a bit time is allowed for contemplation, and contemplation produces good writing. Sort of.

Back when I was a bicycle racer I read Greg LeMond’s book about cycling and training. He said that it wasn’t the hard riding that built up a cyclist, it was the resting between hard riding that built up a cyclist. In other words it was the synergistic relationship between work and rest that made a cyclist strong. I’m understanding that the synergy of events and contemplation may do the same for a writer.

Life has been quite eventful over the past few weeks, eventful to the point that I wasn’t sure that I’d make it through without caving in some way or another. I was feeling very overwhealmed both emotionally and physically, I didn’t know how I’d be able to deal with all of the decisions and change that was coming my way. In the midst of this challenging time I learned some things about myself that have somehow escaped me in the past.

“I’ve seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever came true.“
–Mark Twain

I learned that I over-anticipate.

I learned that I anticipate the negative.

We are on the back side of a group of stresses…and are on the front side of another group of stresses. Today is rather quiet, but what will tomorrow hold?

In AA there’s this saying; “if you’ve got a foot in the past and a foot in the future you’re pissin’ on the present.” It’s a bit on the vulgar side, but sometimes vulgarity has utility when it comes to making a point.

My past has some definitive negativity, but it also has moments of unspeakable joy.

My future holds some definitive negativity, but I can also anticipate moments of unspeakable joy.

If my grandmother has taught me anything in life it’s that dwelling on the negativity of the past while anticipating the negativity of the future generates a paralysis of the present.

And now is all I can claim, all I can live in, all I can enjoy or struggle through.

The Drive In…

The Drive In…

Today is my second-to-the-last day as an underground utility locator. Monday I start a new job as a Services Coordinator for Synstelien Community Services; I’ve read the position description and could share that, but what really matters is what I start I to learn on my first day.

But I digress, my titles are meant to set my theme…

About 70% of our leaves are off the trees now and there’s snow in the forecast for tomorrow. The woods are more open, you can see through them quite a bit further and this morning the sky was cold and clear at our house. When I turn toward the south to head to work I drive down a long hill, we actually live about 300’ in altitude higher than town. This morning I was treated to a quite pretty view. We live on the edge of the glacial ridge that gives this part of Minnesota its lakes. Only a few miles west and south of us the land is as flat as a billiard table, north and east it’s still hilly, but not quite as rugged. As I drive to work each day I drive south and west down the edge of the glacial ridge, what I generally see is rolling green hills. This time of year the colors are tending toward brown and orange and rust…the colors of a waning fall.

Today that cold clear air came in contact with all of that warm lake water and created dense fog that settled into the valleys between the hills. There are six named lakes along my 14 mile route, one creek, one river and at least seven or eight sloughs, swamps or bogs. In other words, there is a lot of water, most of which was warmer than the air. The orange sun was starting to come up in the east as I left home, it was just beginning to light up the tops of the trees and illuminate the hills and tops of the fog banks.

I only had twenty or thirty seconds to enjoy the view as I drove down the hill and into the first fog bank, but it was a wonderful twenty or thirty seconds. Snow will be on the ground in the next few weeks, in a month or so our high temperatures will all be below freezing and the ground will be frozen until April.

I grew up in Southern California and it was so boring, one could hardly tell one time of year from another. Now I have the yearly adventure of seasons.

I love Minnesota.